April Fool's 2019

"'I haven’t found a single trace of a prank anywhere in OR out of town. This is bizarre.'""—The Chosen"April Fool's 2019, also known as "Nothing to See Here!", is a Rare quest released in 2019.

Summary
A mysterious entity, said to be able to swim freely through the Void, has reportedly been picking off adventurers and Guardians! Can you deal with this powerful monster? (What? April 1st? Nope, no Loco shenanigans. Nothing to see here.)

Dialogue
<>

The Boatman: Welcome to the Void, [Name]. Some beast of nearly unfathomable power has laid claim to this realm-

<>: …what happened to your scythe? Looks stubbier than usual.

The Boatman: The artist deemed my scythe too long to be with you in a scene together. Something about not wanting you to stand on the blade. I protested of course. “Reaper of Souls and now all I have is this stick.” Stirrer of Pots… that is what I am now. Ridiculous.

The Boatman sees something.

The Boatman: Whew… I do not envy you at the moment.

The Boatman changes to a Death Flair appearance.

Death Flair: Looks like you’ll be owing me another favor quite soon. WOOOOOOOOOO!

BATTLE: UNMISTAKABLE RED HERRING

Full heal

Loco appears.

Loco: We now bring you your regularly scheduled programming.

<>

Uncle Sham: Associates and lackeys, the time of the invocation is at hand. The Demipower of Fortune will soon be unleashed. To all of ye who still have doubts, I want to assure ye that Leprechauns as a people will remain independent.

Leprechauns: Aye!

Uncle Sham: *cough* And that ye work for me and have no such independence in that regard as per article 69,105 of yer contract. *cough*

Leprechauns: ...

Uncle Sham: Long have we fulfilled our role unshackled, thus remainin’ free ta pursue our rightful reclamation of all of Lore’s GOLD. And in hopin’ ta save me from a horrible affliction, we will PRESERVE that freedom… and what’s left of me dignity. So… how does this thing work?

O'Holy: I’unno, boss.

Uncle Sham: …What do I even not pay ye for? Consult the Book of Our Moments.

O'Holy: Let’s see… Our Moments, Leprechaun history… The vacant duty of Fortune… Ah, here you go, boss. This page.

Uncle Sham: “Even without the Power, we assume the duty of Fortune left unattended by its sealed bearer. We scorn not this weight, and still we pay tribute to the lord of fortune ill and benign… God of mischief, king of thieves, lord of the dan- ”

O'Holy: Skip a bit, Uncle…

Uncle Sham: Yes, yes… Oh, here. “First, set the Altar of Fortune. Then ye shall wait until dawn on the Day of Fools… and only until dawn. Noon ye shall not wait for. Dusk would be daft… nor shall ye wait until night, exceptin’ that it be a vigil from Fools’ Eve.”

Leprechauns: …That’s it?

O'Holy: S’all it says. Is this all we need to do, then?

Loco pops out of the altar.

Loco: Yes! Actually, you didn’t need to do anything. I’ve been free on this day for some time now… But it’s always funny to see what kind of nonsense you mortals get up to when you want my attention.

O'Holy: Moly!

O’Holy flies through the air.

Loco: Ouch, little fella landed somewhere over the rainbow. Now then, I have some major banquet crashing planned for this year, but let it not be said that Loco’s motives are purely selfish! Only Loco gets to admit that about Loco. So, what kind of fun do you diminutive clowns have in mind? LITERALLY inflating all the gold in the world? Making your medium bare clownterparts fire arrows out of their kilts?

Uncle Sham: Actually, I have a personal request.

Loco: A scheme from the most devious leprechaun. This I can spare time for. Well, out with it!

Uncle Sham: I want ye to cure me from these holiday… fits.

Loco: No.

Uncle Sham: No?

Loco: Nope.

Uncle Sham: Why?

Loco: Are you kidding me? It’s hilarious! Watching everyone get mortified when you dress up and go play holiday hero is about the only entertainment I get when I’m caged up all year. It’s a shame you’re already a creature of Fortune, it would be interesting to see what happened if you went out of control on MY day… Maybe it can be arranged. For now, since your plans are BORING, you can help me with mine. And by “can,” I mean “will.” Now then, ment- Er, gentlemen. Gentle-cons? Whatever. You’ll help me with some preparations and fetch me some more lackeys. I have a chronic summoned-by-a-boring-hero problem, and I know JUST the pair of goons to cure Papa Loco!

<>

Warlic: There’s just one more divination attempt I can think of…

<>: And I haven’t found a single trace of a prank anywhere in OR out of town. This is bizarre. Well, I’m counting on this last idea of yours. Oh, of course. A quiet night was too much to ask for after a day of paranoia.

Warlic: If you would indulge me, [Name], it seems some more… distractions don’t have the ability to judge their chances against the two of us.

<>: Finish casting your spell, I’ll take care of them.

BATTLE: LIZZARD

BATTLE: NINJA

Full heal

Warlic: I believe that is all we can try for now. I appreciate the help and confidence, but the results are the same. I’ve now exhausted all prudent means of scrying for a demigod’s presence without IMMEDIATELY alerting them.

<>: With no results? I don’t suppose there’s a chance that he’s somehow stayed in his prison…

Warlic: Results aren’t lacking, per se. The pocket dimension is definitely vacant, so Loco has clearly entered Lore as usual. But all methods of detection have yielded different varieties of… whoopie cushion sounds, if I dare to hope it wasn’t the genuine article.

<>: Charming. So either we’re obscenely lucky and he just wants to be left alone for a day… or we’re obscenely unlucky BECAUSE he’s been left alone for almost all of today.

Warlic: Indeed. I would not soon count on the chance of the most restless demipower being cautious with his freedom. As to just what he is up to, though… Oh, lovely.

<>: More of them already?

2 BATTLES: ENSORCELLED LEPRECHAUNS

Full heal

<>: …Do I want to know what all this painted leprechaun swarming is all about?

Kalanyr approaches.

Kalanyr: Hm. They’re here too.

Warlic: Good evening, Kalanyr.

Kalanyr: [Name]. Warlic. I’m starting to believe we don’t get to meet without being prompted to by unpleasant circumstances.

Warlic: It would be nice to have a chance to simply discuss arcane matters without having to keep to crisis management… But you have a point to make.

Kalanyr: Necessity breeds innovation, Warlic. But yes. Communication spells are presently being intercepted by the most inane messages from Loco, and scrying…

<>: We know how that ends up. Do you know anything else?

Kalanyr: Radagast and Khold haven’t reported in all day. They were supposed to present further research on the Numbered Beasts this morning.

<>: …Them again. Any idea of where they went?

Kalanyr: If their assistants are to be believed, they were abducted by leprechauns with a tenuous grasp on makeup application.

<>: …I find it hard to believe mere leprechauns can take on them, but that gives us a clue of where they’ve gone.

Warlic: I’ll set up defenses in case we’re being lured away from a surprise attack on Battleon.

Kalanyr: That would be optimal, Warlic. After you, Chosen.

2 BATTLES: ENSORCELLED LEPRECHAUNS

Full heal

BATTLE: RED HERRING (2)

Full heal

BATTLE: PIE LAUNCHER

Full heal

<>: Alright, you two, what did you get roped into this time?!

Ensorcelled Khold and Ensorcelled Radagast approach.

Ensorcelled Khold: I TOLD you that they’d show up in time!

Ensorcelled Radagast: Rats. I thought they’d still be distracted in the Void.

Ensorcelled Khold: Uh-huh. Pay up.

Ensorcelled Radagast: I don’t have anything on me! I’ll ask me for money when we get back to us.

<>: Standing. Right. Here.

Ensorcelled Khold: Not for long you’re not.

BATTLE: ENSORCELLED RADAGAST

Full heal

BATTLE: ENSORCELLED KHOLD

Full heal

Ensorcelled Radagast and Khold have now doubled.

Kalanyr: …They may be less capable in such a state, but this is concerning.

<>: You take the ones on the left, I’ll take the ones on the right?

Khold and Radagast approach.

Khold: Whoa, hold on!

Radagast: You’re beating up our assistants!

Kalanyr: …Assistants? I suppose that’s slightly less perturbing than the two of you achieving colocation.

<<You>>: Please don’t put that thought in my head. I’m having enough problems with the Nightmare Queen as is. But you two have ten seconds to give me a good explanation of what’s going on and why you’re working with Loco. Again.

Radagast: Loco asked us to beef up his seals so you won’t be able to summon him anymore.

Khold: We get to toy with Loco’s magic, make the world a better place, and get the objectively best assistants ever to do it with. Win-win-win.

Kalanyr: You’ll excuse me if I hold some reservations about that assessment of your collaborative skills.

Khold: Ouch. That hurt.

<<You>>: Maybe I’ve been getting carried away with that particular trick of Kamui’s, but I’m still suspicious. Why would he send out waves of leprechauns and interfere with detection if he was up to something he knows we won’t object to?

Radagast: He said you’d distrust him anyways, so he might as well have fun making sure you don’t interfere.

Kalanyr: A likely story. But let’s say we give the lord of mischief himself the benefit of the doubt. This is closer to the expertise of other ArchMagi. Kamui has a better read on the programming-like approach the Greater Powers employ for enchantment.

<<You>>: Good point. You could work with the others to improve the seal by the next confluence, and I can just not summon Loco for a whole year.

Khold: I… guess that’s fair. It’s not AS fun, but a whole year to mess with this would be neat.

Radagast: We’re just about done, though. And on time! It’s almost midnight, but… Fine, I guess we can do things your way.

Loco appears.

Loco: NO!

<<You>>: Aha. So you ARE up to something fishy.

Loco: ...

<<You>>: Sorry. That was punintentional.

Everyone: ...

<<You>>: …Ahem. Moving on. Spill the beans, Loco.

Loco: You are NEGATIVE fun, you know that? Mop-top has the decency of being no fun, muscular mop-top is the silent but deadly kind… and I can respect that, but YOU, [Name], actively make things less fun. You take away fun I’ve already had and fun I’ve not yet had. Even if I’ll grant that your summons tend to be funny in a humiliating sort of way.

Kalanyr: He’s stalling.

<<You>>: I can tell. Loco, I’m on to you. Now you had better tell me just what you’re up to, or else I’ll –

Loco: Threatening a god, are we? Let’s skip the bluster and cut straight to toying with you until you come up with something ACTUALLY intimidating to say.

BATTLE: LOCO

Full heal

Loco: Fine! FINE! Holy moly, even your way of fighting ruins my fun. You make me miss Baldric. There are so many ways I could toy with you. I could turn you into a self-slapping trout with implosive diarrhea. I’d like to see you fight like THAT.

<<You>>: What.

Loco: But you, Chosen of Ennui, manage to rob me of the enthusiasm for even minor pranks.

<<You>>: That’s minor? ...Nevermind. Now can we stop wasting time? Or am I going to have to get Radagast and Khold to summon you without your powers again?

Loco: Oho, that’s better threat material. But you’ve completely wasted your time on your own. My acolytes here didn’t lie. I offered them the genuine Libri Locus in exchange for intensifying the power of my seals.

Kalanyr: ...

<<You>>: That's it?

Kalanyr: Unwise you two. Increasing power flow is not the same as enhancing efficacy.

Loco: Oho, muscle mop-top is a quick one.

Radagast: Wait, what? We ran the math, this should absolutely rebuff summoning attempts.

Khold: It would take a while to kick in, but –

Kalanyr: Of course it would, just through sheer destructive interference scrambling [Name]’s invocation. But did you think the gods themselves were lacking for power? The seals are exactly as strong as they need to be.

<<You>>: And increasing their power is desirable for Loco because…? Come on, we’re on a time limit here.

Loco: Food, you could say. The seals replenish their energy to sustain themselves, but also me. But only just barely. Just enough to keep me alive, and keep me DIVINE. Itty bitty drops at a time. Which would normally be like a treat dispenser, discounting the fact that it’d get OLD after a few centuries… But they went the extra mile and made it awful! It’s like being tied up and drip-fed boredom from a venomous nope rope!

<<You>>: A... what?

Loco: Right. No fun crowd. I’ve been rooting through Abode’s browsing history.

<<You>>: …I find it hard to believe his tastes are that inane.

Kalanyr: He’s stalling again. And… you don’t want to know.

<<You>>: Right. So the threat is that increasing the power flow also increases the amount of power Loco is fed, right?

Kalanyr: Correct.

Loco: Completely correct! And you don’t exactly have time to dispel THIS prank before the clock strikes twelve. So if you’ll excuse me…

''Loco disappears. Khold, Radagast, and their duplicates leave. Loco reappears in his seal.''

Kalanyr: He’s right. This is metamagic primed to delicately interweave itself with divine enchantment of a scale beyond any single mortal’s capacity.

<<You>>: We have to stop him somehow. Gradually strengthening Loco would eventually allow him to break out and spark a God War.

Kalanyr: Even with your help, there isn’t much I can do on such short notice. A rush job on an enchantment moving that much raw mana across planar boundaries could potentially have even worse effects. I’m afraid my hands are tied. Unless you can think of something before the seals realign and he activates the spell to modify them.

<<You>>: I...

Loco: Ta!

<<You>>: I… summon Loco.

Loco disappears and reappears outside of his seal.

Loco:  …What? Oh no you don’t.

Loco disappears and reappears inside his seal.

<<You>>: I summon Loco.

Loco disappears and reappears outside of his seal.

Loco: You insolent little snothead!

Loco disappears and reappears inside his seal.

Kalanyr: That might actually work. But as long as he’s on the circle when midnight strikes…

<<You>>: I summon Loco!

Loco disappears and reappears outside of his seal.

Loco: WOULD YOU STOP THAT FOR FIVE SECONDS?!

<<You>>: Sure.

Loco: Oh wow, that actually worked.

Loco disappears and reappears inside his seal.

Loco: Yeeess! Five… four… Three… two…

<<You>>: Three… two… ONE! I SUMMON LOCO!

Loco disappears and reappears outside of his seal.

Loco: I hate you. So much.

Loco disappears.

Kalanyr: Well played, Chosen. I have to say, that was quite amusing.

<<You>>: Hahaha, oh wow. I can’t wait to tell Kamui about that one.

Weapons
Mighty Rubber Chicken

Mystic Rubber Chicken

Spells
Mystic Loco Motive

Mighty Loco Motive