April Fool's 2020

"'I've only got one day, so we're going to have some quality time to make it count! …Wait. Are you seriously alone? Battleon is never this empty. Did I get the wrong address?'""—Loco"April Fool's 2020, also known as "Abducted!", is a Rare event released in 2020. In this quest, the player plays as Loco, the God of Fortune.

Summary
Now you've done it. Last year, you foiled the God of Fortune at the last possible second. Now Loco is sure to come back with a vengeance take it out on everyone... Speaking of which, where IS everyone?

Dialogue
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Loco: It's the only day of the year that matters again! And I've been SHIVERING with an… Anti… What was the word? Ah, nevermind. Papa Loco has been WAITING for this day. I've been foiled enough times. It's time for glorious, hilarious payback. Rise and shine, boys and girls, this is going to be a prank rampage for the ages! They're going to have to redecorate my seal over this... But boy, you're not giving me much to work with this year. You lot have made a real mess of the place, haven't you? My so-called peers are all over the place! Famine is off doing Famine things, Pestilence... Yikes, I can barely feel a sneeze, he won't be much help. Death is no fun, no change there, Serenia will need a rechage, War... oh. Oh. Rest in Pierogis, crotchety old clanker. I'll have to hope the new one is more fun... It'd seem someone has been pinching at the ol' mantle, too. Clever boy... Or close enough. I might not even have noticed if there wasn't so much less power to go around. Steal from the prince of thieves, will you... That's its own punishment, sonny. It'll be some PRIMO entertainment in time, but that pie isn't anywhere near baked yet. Fine, FINE! It'll have to be a one-god show. No long fuse humor this time, let's take this act straight to their little town...

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Twilly is wearing fake nose glasses.

Twilly: AAAH! The God of Fortune! Their prayers DID work! Why did I agree to stay behind and stand watch?!

Loco: Yes, my surprisingly articulate Moglin friend! I've only got one day, so we're going to have some quality time to make it count! …Wait. Are you seriously alone? Battleon is never this empty. Did I get the wrong address?

Clearly Twilly: Wh-what do you means, mister floaty mage adventurer? This is one of my favorite towns in the whole wide world, Battleon!

Loco: Yes, clearly. So why are you wearing that ridiculous mask?

Obviously Twilly: Twillies isn't wearing a mask! This is a real face and not a clever cover that I wouldn't look like a Moglin without!

Loco: You can't possibly be serious. There is no way you would be trying to wear an obvious disguise and expecting absurdly specific denial to work on me. This is the kind of double-reverse psychology prank that I'd expect from MYSELF, because there is obviously something up, but it'd have to be the Chosen of Utter Boredom trying to fool me...

VERY Obviously Twilly: Everyone is just fine… The town is bustling, nobody got kidnapped by spies…

Loco: And while that stuffy godpuppet has fooled me before, there is no way they would take a prank straight out of MY book.

Twilly?: If… if you go to the mountains, you could hunt for monsters… Or talk to people -

Loco: Yes! People! Tell me where you put all the people! Whatever you cleverly disguised invaders are up to, I need it undone so I can have my prank day! So! Where's [Name]?!

Not Twilly: Quests! They're all out on a quest for -

Loco: Don't lie to a god, little gremlin. One more offense and I'll go find your co-conspirators instead… After making you need a change of underwear.

Not Twilly: …But Twillies doesn't wear underwear.

Loco: THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW.

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April Fool's: Abducted!
Free at last! It's time for Loco to claim revenge on all who foiled him! …Except they've been kidnapped. So it's time for Loco to rescue them, so he can prank them himself! Not Twilly: Can Twi- Not Twillies go home now, mister Loco?
 * To Battle
 * How many waves would you like to fight before returning to camp to rest?
 * One
 * Two
 * Three
 * Five
 * ENDLESS
 * Back to Town

Loco: No. No you can't. Your stubby little legs couldn't get you away fast enough, so this is your home now.

Not Twilly: ...It is?

Loco: Yep. This is your life now. Watching me track down all your buddies and pull their undies over their head. Which, let me tell you, is a real piece of work when you haven't quite cracked elastic designs yet. A little spacetime stretching in the undies never chafed anyone, though. Until now. That's what you get for beating me to the punchline.

Not Twilly: …Oh. Well, I-if you need healing, I can -

Loco: Healing? HEALING?! You're not even a real Moglin! No, you sit there and watch me heal MYSELF.

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Cutscene (25%)
After 25% of the monsters were defeated...

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Loco: So. It has come to this. …Oi. HEY. Come on, I'm giving you the perfect scene here! Really? Big spy conspiracy, no fancy security system or hidden army of guards to take the bait before getting clowned? This is what I get for playing nice. A good setup, wasted. Why do I even bother appearing OUTSIDE places anymore? Hrmph. I bet you're not even real pumpkins.

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Yulgourd: The situation has gotten COMPLETELY out of hand. We're not even done preparing for this year, and there's already someone out there hunting for doppelgangers! It's this kind of lack of coordination that all our troubles stem from. I don't care who sprang this leak, we have to find it and squash it. Am I clear?

Loco appears.

Loco: Well, if it isn't the most pathetic vegetable soup in denial! Maybe if it was just the one of you, I would deign to call you a pumpkin's PIE, but as for SPIES… There's no meat-a-ball involved, and if this was meant to pass for espionage… It's time for some percussive exfiltration.

Yulgourd: …You're kidding me. YOU are hunting doppelgangers? The god of fortune himself? I thought it was just an agent, or some copycat off their gourd…

Loco: I do plenty of kidding, buttercup, but your little hot-swap of the Battleonians has already wasted half of my day and HOURS of pranks. You're awful close to finding out what a serious Loco looks like.

Yulgourd: …Wait, how can we have wasted that much of your time? We only got started for Mogloween last year.

Loco: This is Lore. Months of planning is practically ages around here, especially relative to being stuck in a drifting seal for most of the year!

Yulgourd: I'm telling you it wasn't us! We have nothing to do with supplanting Battleonians!

Loco: I can tell that's a lie, you know. Every great joke is about building tension, then relieving it. Lies are ALL tension… And guess what you look like, sugar pie.

Yulgourd: …Okay, that was our plan, but -

Loco: No buts, you discount orange hubbard. You tried to out-pun me too, didn't you. You think you're a whacky green, butternut even worth the time I've already wasted. So let's get to the interrogation already.

2 BATTLES: Pumpkin Spies

Full heal

1 BATTLE: Yulgourd

Full heal

Loco: Huh. I guess it wasn't them after all. Well, it'll be easier to find the real culprits if I find who is behind the undead fodder…

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Cutscene (50%)
After 50% of the monsters were defeated...

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Zorbak is wearing fake nose glasses and speaking to a crystal ball.

Crystal Ball: Can you honestly claim indifference?

Not Zorbak: Meh. Maybe just this once, I can't. But I'm still not going to help out.

Crystal Ball: The Order has gone too far, over and over again. And when the zealots finally took their bait, WE were left to take the fall. The scholars. Researchers. Those of us who pursue knowledge for its own sake, for the exploration of magic.

Not Zorbak: Yes, yes, the cowards. If you want to give an impassioned speech to win me over, don't lump me in with those. And don't even think about comparing me to the do-gooder "heroes" next.

Crystal Ball: Oh, but that's precisely where I'm going. You have your fits and schemes, Zorbak, but you're a family moglin. Between those who would learn of the world and those who would ravage it, I'm sure your choice is an obvious one.

Not Zorbak: Is it?

Crystal Ball: What tune would you be whistling if the bursting of the ley line of life and death had affected your child?

Not Zorbak: That is a low blow, you horrible little tomb vixen.

Crystal Ball: Why, thank you.

Not Zorbak: I'm still not going to help you out. Not directly. I can find information for you, but nothing more.

Crystal Ball: Hm. Is that all you can do?

Not Zorbak: Do I LOOK like I can blend in?

Crystal Ball: Do you want me to answer that?

Not Zorbak: …No. And just you wait until I find that little red tub of lard and his glue.

Crystal Ball: I thought so. Either way, I will appreciate any help you can offer. It could take at least a year to make the preparations, maybe more. I'll be in touch.

The crystal ball focuses to reveal a woman's face.

Not Zorbak: Meh. That's finally over. Now I need to figure out what to do about all these minions with stupid glasses…

Loco appears.

Loco: Oh, I have a few ideas.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Cutscene (75%)
After 75% of the monsters were defeated...

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Loco: I've got you now, little fail-chemist. Your undead backup is dealt with, and now there are going to be no more potions for your temporarily living buddies. So don't make me ask twice: Where's [Name]?!

Not Lucretia: Oh no, I've been found out. The plan to supplant the Lorians is ruined. Woe is me.

Loco: Yes, and now you're going to tell me where the real whatstheirface is, where your allies are, and -

Not Lucretia: What ever will become of poor little me?

Loco: Are you… are you mocking me?

Not Lucretia: I guess now I have no choice but to cave to your demands of going turncoat and exploiting my ridiculously moustached allies' reliance on my healing potions.

Loco: That's not what I'm asking for. You're going to tell me -

Not Lucretia: Under this much pressure, what am I to do but distribute all manner of prank potions to them instead of healing vials?

Loco: …Go on…

Not Lucretia: And after letting them deal with the gas, tooth itches, plant growth and toilet-time hallucinations for a day, I'll be forced to sell them the antidotes. After being cooped up like that at the secret Skraeling desert hideout where they'll meet tonight, they won't mind a price mark-up for putting me in this absurd position.

Loco: You know what, blondie? You can stay right here. You're doing Loco's work.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Cutscene (100%)
After 100% of the monsters were defeated...

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Loco: Barely any time left! That's a whole day of the worst and finest pranks imaginable that I'm going to miss out on because of you dastardly, reverse-disguised invaders! But this ends NOW, do you hear me?! I'm going to find out what world you've taken the denizens of Battleon to, rescue them before I'm sealed again, and shove those moustaches in your SPLEENS! Which I realize might seem discriminatory against the undead among you, but I will personally make sure that there are enough spleens to go around. ONWARD!

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Yulgar: I'm starting to get seriously sore in here.

Blackhawke: Bah, this is nothing. I've slept in rougher spots.

Warlic: I know this is unpleasant, friends, but that we've been here long enough to avoid discomfort indicates that our plan seems to be working.

Aria: I'm glad we got all of the pets to safety, but I feel bad leaving Twilly behind like that…

Warlic: Our little Moglin friend is braver than you give him credit for. He specifically volunteered for the role.

Blackhawke: Well, it's worked so far. But why are we so sure that Loco won't find us here?

Warlic: While there IS a minor margin for error, the source is trustworthy. The Ethereal Realm isn't entirely outside Loco's sense, but his influence is another matter. He appears to absolutely despise the realm, as the perceptions it enables an make a punchline come before the joke, to those with the adequate senses. Furthermore, according to Abode, an entire civilization that Loco is unable to subject to his antics resides somewhere in the Ethereal Realm. No matter what he attempts, it simply doesn't stick.

Hans: Yikes. Somewhere he can't use his full powers in, and an audience that won't cooperate?

Yulgar: That just tells me that if he DOES show up, he'll be mad.

Aria: Did we need to hide inside the junk, then?

Vince: No! No you didn't! So stop wiggling around in there, or I'm going to start flushing people and I don't know when I'll stop!

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4 BATTLES

Not the Chosen approaches, wearing fake nose glasses.

Loco: End of the line, imposter! It was clever of you, trying to look like the Battleonians would if they were making a very shoddy effort to look like someone else… But I'll be taking them back now. I still have a few minutes, so if we wrap this up quickly enough, I should still have enough time for - Hold on... carry the nine... TWO good pranks! And a few dozen bad ones.

Not the Chosen: I would be amazed that someone figured out my grand plan, but I should instead be upset that I was sloppy enough to attract a god's attention.

Loco: It's not a bad plan at all! Why, I ought to give it a try sometime. But you did make the mistake of looking like someone who gets a lot of divine attention by default.

Not the Chosen: Is this how it ends, then? Fighting a god against the clock?

Loco: Oh, you might be copying the single most punchable person in the entire planet, but I respect someone who can carry this kind of scheme so far. And besides, it feels a little like you have some experience throwing down with the semidivine, so you might just make this fun after all!

Not the Chosen: Let's not dwell on that, then. Come, God of Fortune. Time to see if I can outlast a rushed god.

Loco: No hard feelings! Yet.

BATTLE: NOT THE CHOSEN

Loco: …Wait, you're still kicking? I thought you'd been begging for mercy and telling me where everyone is by now! And you've been fighting like you know my moves, which I thought just meant you were a respectful fan, but… You've actually gone and ran down the clock on me, haven't you.

Not the Chosen: Not just that. I ran down the whole day on you.

Loco: …You're kidding me. How do hero types do this whole 'mercy' thing anyways?! It's such a waste of time!

Not the Chosen: Well, I DID make you spend the whole day playing hero.

Loco: Is that how you think I - I mean, yes, I was very heroic and left no lasting damage whatsoever. How DARE you. But there's something else. Something you wouldn't, or couldn't, use. You can't hide tricks from Loco, even if you can hide them from yourself.

Not the Chosen: Yes, it's honestly a surprise that I managed to hide from you for so long. I guess that since you weren't around when it happened…

Loco: Wait.

Not the Chosen: Yes?

Loco: WAIT.

Not the Chosen: ...Yes?

Loco: Then you really are… but that means…

Not the Chosen?: Yes.

Loco: Wait.

Not the Chosen?: …Do you need a moment? You're kind of running out of them.

Loco: That's illegal.

The Chosen takes off the fake nose glasses.

The Chosen: Hi.

Loco: NO. I REFUSE. WE CAN'T BE SIBLINGS.

The Chosen: Well, we're not. Not in that way at least, although if you want to be technical…

Loco: I don't.

The Chosen: That's that, then.

Loco: But what about the people? If they haven't been kidnapped… I've been going around all day trying to rescue them like some third rate hero on a wild gobbler chase! You managed to hide them from me. But that means… That means YOU pranked ME.

The Chosen: Looks like it.

Loco: Pffffft… Heheh… AHAHAHAHAHA. Hahaha… Oh, that was a good one. I'mstillgonnakillyouallforthisthoughseeyoulater!

Loco disappears.

The Chosen: …I can unclench my internal organs now, right?

Armors
Deceiver's Fortune

Misc
Clever Disguise

House Items
April Fools' 2020 Portal Painting

April Fools' Portal Painting

Faces
Deceiver's Hood F

Deceiver's Hood M